Night outttttttt with my lovely friend Amy who I don’t see enough of (and who doesn’t apply to the bottom post whatsoever. Probably the best person I’ve met at uni)
I don’t think I’ve enjoyed uni and I’ve also felt like that’s something I wasn’t allowed to say. I finish in 11 days and I know i’m exhausted and over tired and whatever but it’s literally been a continual identity crisis. It’s made me lose who I am.
I’m from a small town in Somerset and although I don’t have a ‘small-town mentality’ and definitely see myself living in a nice city etc, I like that when you live there you know who you are and where you stand and people are nice. Also, i’m not being a cunt but I think I am actually a nice person and I think i’m very emotionally mature; I understand people, I understand how things feel to people and I care about others’ feelings - I’ve been a Samaritan since I was 17. The thing I’ve probably struggled with most is learning that people around me aren’t emotionally sensitive, whatsoever. They put themselves first they don’t consider how things might feel to you or how you might be feeling or whether you feel left out or lonely etc, they only care about whether they are looking the most popular or whether they feel like doing something, just generally putting themselves first. And the hard thing for me has been to accept that. I know you have to go and change things if you’re not happy and life is what you make of it etc, but I have tried. and the people I have tried to be happy around end up making me feel worse.
Don’t get me wrong I have amazing times with them and they are great friends but it’s the times when they’re insensitive and they leave you out of things that make it worse, and the realisation that you’re not as good a friend or not as important to other people as you thought you were. I know I am too damn sensitive to things and I spend far too much time worrying what people think of me, but it’s only cos in my life before uni i didn’t need to. I didn’t need to care about whether people were genuine and what they thought of me cos they all were. Here, there are too many big personalities and people who don’t care for others more than they do themselves and that’s hard. I’ve always cared for others and other people’s feelings an incredible amount. Here I feel lonely, left out and unimportant and it makes me retreat into my work and work hard which in itself is even more depressing because I feel like i’m working too hard and forgetting to live life - more values I used to have that are being strongly tested. It puts me into a continuous state of cognitive dissonance (you can tell i’m a psychology student ;) ).
And although in some ways when I go home I’ll be lonely, in a lot more ways I won’t. I’m looking forward to going back to a place where I feel cared about and I can get to know myself again. It literally gets to me so much (I’m crying now writing this), just the way people can be so insensitive to other peoples’ feelings. To be fair the girls I lived with last year were all spoilt, privately-educated, daddy’s money dicks. But even now, I live with Ruth and Pritch and they are upstairs and Sophie who lives next door to me downstairs. Sophie is another matter, I have cried for hours and hours over Sophie - she was always my best best friend here throughout the three years, we always stuck by eachother and then she just used to cut me off whenever she felt like it and get me to chase her and in the end I just had to stop cos it wasn’t healthy for me - we now haven’t spoken for about 5 weeks (since the time James made us all banoffee cheesecakes from scratch and she turned her nose up at them and went “oh right” - see it’s things like that, how can you not even be grateful for the effort another person has put into trying to make you happy - it’s just the gesture of doing something nice to put a smile on your face, her responding like that just fucked me off she’s so ungrateful and rude). But yeah as you can see, another story. But yeah, Ruth and Pritch are both lovely girls and I love them but they live upstairs, and they’ve been best mates all throughout Uni. It’s like, I go to sit and chat to them and they’ve ordered pizza together and are watching TV together, or I am in my room and they’re upstairs joking and laughing really loudly. And it’s not something you can just walk up and join in on, I used to try but as times gone on and I’ve obviously got more bitter, you just give up. And that’s why I hate uni cos that’s not me.
At the risk of sounding cliched, before uni used to LOVE who I was. I would always be laughing, always be smiling, I would notice the small things in life, I wouldn’t take myself/life too seriously, I would expect people to be kind, and I was always always always positive. Uni has made me doubt and question myself, doubt other people, anxious, unconfident and whole load of other shit qualities. It’s just never been the things I hoped it would be, I think I placed too much expectation on it being a good experience.
I’m looking forward to not having to feel like this and to be able to learn who I am again and remember I’m better than this. To not have to carry round the burden of feeling lonely and to be reunited with true people who have always cared about me and how I feel and just make me feel happy.
I’VE JUST HANDED IN MY LAST PIECE OF COURSEWORK FOR MY DEGREE AND THE DISSERTATION THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FOR OVER A YEAR. I FEEL LIKE I JUST GAVE MY BABY AWAY. OFF TO THE PUB (those last two sentences shouldn’t go together)
I would like to think I already do live my life/see people in this way, but there’s certainly always more room for practice
Things I am going to do this summer:
Festivals - Glasto, Oceanfest, Download (SLIPKNOT HELLO <3), potentially Reading (but trying to stay away from there cos it’s always a load of fucking 16year olds taking pills and throwing up/pissing on tents. Line up always gets me though)
Holiday in Greece with my best friend Poppy
Holiday with James somewhere (we wanna do the “2 tickets for the next available flight” thing)
Exercise (I’ll try ‘insanity’ but might last a day at best)
Decorate my room
Hopefully some form of placement (on a psychiatric unit would be good)
Smile every single day and live in shorts and be over the moon at how wonderful life is and freedom
I have discovered a good band. They are young too. Well done them.
Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies (via clinodramatic)
This is me
Helloooo take me here please
I like this. Makes me excited to paint again this summer.
To future me looking back over my blog over summer: fuck off of here and go do a painting
I have always been fascinated by the Jonestown Massacre. It’s fucking horrific. For anyone who hasn’t heard about it, it was this one guy Jim Jones who made his own church and community in South America and basically it was this fucking concentration camp where people were brain-washed and worked to the bone in the name of this guy. And then this congressman came from California to inspect it after hearing that people were being held against their will - after he left, him and the few people he had rescued, were all shot and killed at the airport. So out of fear, this Jim Jones spoke to and convinced his whole congregation to commit suicide by drinking poison. And 918 willingly people killed themselves - 276 of whom were children.
Seriously horrific. Even more so, what people will do in the name of religion. I googled it earlier to read about it again and found the actual recording of this guy addressing the congress telling them to kill themselves and them doing it. If you have a strong stomach/are fascinated by how that many people can be convinced to willingly kill themselves, here it is http://archive.org/details/ptc1978-11-18.flac16
He is such a lovely man. Beautiful beautiful beautiful man even. Writes the best lyrics. So good to sing to. Long live the queen always makes me turn into a pathetic weepy mess. And the fact that he was in million dead and is in Mongol Horde makes him even cooler. Too much love.